Reflections on Africa.

Well, it's been a long time in coming, but I am finally blogging about Africa. It really did take me a while to let the summer sink in and process through my thoughts about it. As many of you have seen from my photos, the Ivory Coast was a whole other world filled with the expected poverty and crazy different culture. However, I think that when you travel to another country and experience another's world for a time, you can't help but to come back changed.

What I saw in the vastly difference world of Cote d'Ivoire, Africa was an outlook of hope and a passion for change in the presence of difficulty that cannot be easily missed. It's easy to come into a third world country as an American and think you have all the answers. We think because we have resources that we are somehow superior in all areas. Obviously we weren't going around saying this, but I speak from experience -I sort of knew going into the trip that I carry around this sense pride in being American and middle class, but I didn't fully realize these inward flaws until I was face to face with a completely different way of life.

Africans have spirit. They have spirit when they greet you, talk to you, when they dance, sing, play games, and interact. There is a joy and freedom of expression unique to these beautiful people, and it is unlike that the rigid culture we live in. What I didn't realize is that God is Lord over every culture -He is Father to all, and we are united in Him. I quickly saw that worship and style of ministry is not relevant in measuring superiority, because there is no need to measure at all. There are no divisions between us, because we all have a common Father who adores us and died to make us His.

One of the most significant parts of my journey was realizing the incredible amount of blessings I enjoy. I know I don't need to feel guilty for what I have, but being in Africa was a huge reminder of the importance of thankfulness. I have been amazingly blessed by God with an absolutely lovely family. I have supportive and crazy awesome friends who are in it with me for the long-run. I have a car, more clothes than I could ever need, my own room, I never miss a day of eating, and I have infinite opportunity to pursue my goals. I don't think it really gets much better than this. The Ivorians really taught me to be practicing that attitude of thankfulness; they thank the Lord for everything, and they pray for each other constantly. While in Africa, I remember finding myself trecking through the mud and pouring rain with nearly broken shoes for a mile just to get to dinner, but feeling full of joy as I remembered the ways I have been blessed. Thankfulness really is transforming.

This past week in church some short-term missionaries were sharing about their recent trip to Malaysia. They spoke about the African children who had been adopted and brought into the culture and school system in Malaysia, but were rejected and bullied because of their skin color. Even though these children had been rescued from poverty and loneliness, they were being mistreated for what makes them beautiful.
This broke my heart as I thought back to my experience at the orphanage in Abidjan. There was a little boy named Prince who I connected with particularly. We had simple conversations in French and he told me about his five other siblings who had recently come to the orphanage with him.
It tore me up to think about how the 30-some children living in the orphanage hardly have a chance -there isn't even a way for them to be adopted by people from outside countries as the process has never been set up. I was so overwhelmed by my desire to rescue all of them and just love them. I want them to know that someone genuinely, wholeheartedly cares for them and wants to help them in life.

Prince

It's so difficult to understand this world. How we, as Americans, have this unfathomable amount of opportunity and odds totally in our favor toward success. The American way is not the only way by any means, but I believe that every child deserves the chance to grow up with parents, to be healthy and strong, and to understand that they are loved beyond measure. This is what I have received-not only from my earthly dad, but also from my heavenly Father who calls me his precious daughter. His heart is 100% for adoption, and I hope mine will also be someday so I can extend some of the same grace that I have been so beautifully shown.

"So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adoption you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father." For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory." -Romans 8:15-17

After Three Years of Higher Education, I Guess I've Learned Something.

SO. After three years and $40,000+ in tuition money, it seems an appropriate time to look back and try to figure out what the heck I've learned so far.

It is true that I don't remember much from my freshman sociology class, but it is so evident to me that I've learned an insane amount about myself as a person and about life. To people who don't see the value of college, I would have to say that this period of life is unlike any other; the ways a person grows and their character deepens are irreplaceable. Comparing myself to three years ago, I am completely changed.

So, what have I learned, then?

**THERE IS NO PERFECT STAGE OF LIFE**

As many of my fellow ladies would understand, I came into college with an ideal plan: start classes, join a Christian org., make friends, meet a guy, graduate, get married, be happy! Gosh. I don't know what I was thinking. While this may be the case for some people, for the majority of us it's just not. As each semester of college went by, I struggled with the fact that things weren't going according to my plan at all; I was single...still (there must be something wrong with me, right? Wrong.) It has taken me three years to realize that it is 100% possible to be joyful right where I'm at!

While yes, I'm excited to be married someday, I've come to find out that there is no magical passage to happiness in life. There are struggles and joys in EVERY season, and no one is better than the other. For example, as much as I've thought singleness meant loneliness and that I was way behind, it actually means something totally different.

Being single I am only responsible for myself -I don't have to prioritize another person or give up my plans to include another. I can stuff my french fries in my face in my car by myself at midnight on a Monday if I want to (this actually will probably never change). I can go a couple days without showering and bank on the fact that my friends have to love me no matter how bad I look/smell. I can take spontaneous weekend adventures or go to Africa if I want to (holla!). There's just so much freedom, and that's an amazing blessing unique to this time of my life. I'm totally excited for other stages of life, but I've so realized that I need to appreciate the good things about where I'm at, because they are things I'll wish I'd cherished later on when I don't have them.

Another lesson: ** I DON'T HAVE TO STRIVE FOR AN IDEAL ABBIE**

...just so people will like me or so I can look the most attractive possible so I might be good enough for the best guy I've ever met so far. So false. I've struggled hardcore with thinking that I'm not good enough; not skinny enough, not pretty enough, grades aren't good enough, clothes aren't good enough, talents aren't talenty enough, etc. I look back to my freshman self and I just want to lovingly shake her and be like, "YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST HOW YOU ARE! STOP WORRYING; YOU'RE PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL ALREADY!" Because seriously, it took my till the middle of my sophomore year to FINALLY be confident in the person I am. It shocked me that so many people thought I was totally confident in myself, because every second before that I was doubting myself and pushing away every compliment or affirmation that came my way. Then finally, finally, I realized that I was already complete. Yes, I could/can always make improvements in myself, but that's going to be the case my whole life.

The truth is, I am enough because Jesus has declared me to be so. I am His masterpiece; that implies I can't be any better than I am. This was definitely the most life and perspective-altering lesson I've learned, and it's allowed me to be so much freer in who I am.

Also, **I AM RIGHT WHERE GOD WANTS ME WHEN I'M RIGHT HERE**

As I mentioned above, I thought that the fact that I was still single meant I was doing things wrong. I should have remembered, though, that when God doesn't want me in a place, he'll let me know. In the past when I've tried to pursue things that were wrong, I was so convicted that I couldn't help but to change. I KNEW I was going against God's plan, and there was no way that was worth it.

I have come to understand that God's plan for me was written before I was even born (Psalm 139:16), that I can't do anything to change it, and that it's totally perfect how it is. I serve an infinite God capable of EVERYTHING. It is so silly to think that I'M messing things up and that it's even possible for me to screw things over for myself. Moral of the story: God has carefully placed me where he's wanted me in college (Eau Claire, Stout, in the dorms, off-campus, in Apparel, in HDFS, etc) and that, since I have been following His plan, my life has flowed like a gorgeous symphony in His ears. God is faithful: He has total control over my life and will continue to reveal where He wants me every step of the way. Regardless of whether or  not my own hopes and dreams are fulfilled, I can trust that what He has for me is because He's looking at my life from a mountaintop, unlike the valley I walk in.

So here's to the future -it's terrifying, but it's oh, so certainly going to beautiful.

Oh, so Lonely.

I wonder how much of what we do as people is out of loneliness. I find myself scrolling through my news feed, and scrolling, scrolling, scrolling... what am I looking for? I remember even a couple of years ago when I thought the concept of looking at what other people were doing was boring, and now there never seems to be enough to keep me occupied. I have become used to stimulating my mind so constantly through whatever means available, whether that be Facebook, Instagram, Hulu, Spotify... and sometimes I can't make myself just sit. You'd think that being so "surrounded" by people in this way would make you feel really full, but actually, I think it does the opposite. It makes me think that I constantly need to be with people to be happy, and I lose sight of the beauty of just sitting quietly.

So what do I do? I write. I write out all the thoughts that I stuff inward as I go throughout my day, and then continue to ignore when I finally have the chance to think them. I find that writing has the power to release the hold of anxious thoughts, freeing me to process and exhale.

Loneliness, I think, is a reflection of our emptiness, which is so often experienced because we lack what can truly fill us. While feelings are real and sometimes totally accurate, so many times we're really just craving more from our lives. And for myself, as much as I know that I should seek God, it isn't always easy to do that. Sometimes I get lazy and tired of trying. I find that, the times when I am finally able to experience peace and rest from my own restlessness, are when I've actually, truly let go of my own plans. It's so hard to do, but it's something I've been learning lately.

I've been learning that I need to empty myself totally before God will fill me with Himself. If I am still filled with my own mucky, dirty water, how can the Living, pure water be poured into me? I am so stubborn, and so ignorant to think that my own plans are better than God's, and that it's a safer bet to do what I want rather than trust in Him. And trust is the hardest of all. However, it is what I need the most in my life. I frustrate myself so much with my doubt, but I know Jesus understands my weaknesses totally. I am so thankful that there is no guilt or condemnation for me, just forgiveness and strength. Interestingly, every time I've ever trusted God with anything at all, He has, every single time, come through for me. I've never starved, missed tuition for school, failed a class, or died due to my awful driving skills. I am, every time, held.

Over Spring Break I spent time in Jacksonville, Florida with some beautiful people. Out of the wonderful week that I had, what inspired me most was the realization I had in regards to basically everything about how I live my life. Being in college is definitely one of the most exciting, fun, and adventurous times in life, but it's also really overwhelming at times. All around me people are declaring majors, graduating, getting jobs, transferring schools, getting engaged, getting married, travelling, and the list goes on. The hard part is being confident in exactly where I am right now. I have transferred schools once, declared Apparel Design, changed my major, and still don't really know where I'll end up. It's really easy for me to sink into discontentment as I sit overwhelmed by the question of whether or not I'm doing things right. Am I missing opportunities? Am I in the wrong program still? Will I get a job? Where should I live? Should I go to grad. school? Did I pick the right school to begin with? Am I doing what I want or what God wants?? I just question everything!

But...

Over break I received advice from a wonderful friend, who encouraged me to take all this in in a totally different way.

The first thing she told me was to be real with myself-to allow myself to be where I'm at, to feel what I need to feel, and to bring it all to Jesus. It's natural to feel confused and lonely and overwhelmed at times. But I don't need to be held back by that.

My friend encouraged me to take full advantage of life as it is right now. To go on adventures, pursue my passions, develop new ones, love the people around me, and seek God. I so often find myself sitting and thinking that life is going to just come to me, when really, I have to go out and chase it. It really is exciting to be young and single and full of potential! I think it's really easy to forget that, as so much of the time I'm hung up on what I think I should be doing -i.e., following the normal steps of life. Really, though, my path is my own, and that makes the journey all the more brilliant.

So, in light of all these realizations, I'm just pretty jacked for life! Going to Africa this summer will insane and wonderful and challenging and amazing. And I find that the things I pursue in everyday life are what makes it all so crazy beautiful and worth it. So whether those things be running a mile, getting coffee with a friend, leading a Bible study, singing a song, taking a photo, sewing a seam, or reading a page, they all fill me with life. And I don't know how to be filled with life more than pursuing those small and wonderful things that make up who I am.

This simple quote by Jim Elliot given to me by another friend accurately sums up my thoughts on all this;

"Wherever you are, be all there."

Rejoicing in the present, anticipating good, and breathing in truth. Just here.