I wonder how much of what we do as people is out of loneliness. I find myself scrolling through my news feed, and scrolling, scrolling, scrolling... what am I looking for? I remember even a couple of years ago when I thought the concept of looking at what other people were doing was boring, and now there never seems to be enough to keep me occupied. I have become used to stimulating my mind so constantly through whatever means available, whether that be Facebook, Instagram, Hulu, Spotify... and sometimes I can't make myself just sit. You'd think that being so "surrounded" by people in this way would make you feel really full, but actually, I think it does the opposite. It makes me think that I constantly need to be with people to be happy, and I lose sight of the beauty of just sitting quietly.
So what do I do? I write. I write out all the thoughts that I stuff inward as I go throughout my day, and then continue to ignore when I finally have the chance to think them. I find that writing has the power to release the hold of anxious thoughts, freeing me to process and exhale.
Loneliness, I think, is a reflection of our emptiness, which is so often experienced because we lack what can truly fill us. While feelings are real and sometimes totally accurate, so many times we're really just craving more from our lives. And for myself, as much as I know that I should seek God, it isn't always easy to do that. Sometimes I get lazy and tired of trying. I find that, the times when I am finally able to experience peace and rest from my own restlessness, are when I've actually, truly let go of my own plans. It's so hard to do, but it's something I've been learning lately.
I've been learning that I need to empty myself totally before God will fill me with Himself. If I am still filled with my own mucky, dirty water, how can the Living, pure water be poured into me? I am so stubborn, and so ignorant to think that my own plans are better than God's, and that it's a safer bet to do what I want rather than trust in Him. And trust is the hardest of all. However, it is what I need the most in my life. I frustrate myself so much with my doubt, but I know Jesus understands my weaknesses totally. I am so thankful that there is no guilt or condemnation for me, just forgiveness and strength. Interestingly, every time I've ever trusted God with anything at all, He has, every single time, come through for me. I've never starved, missed tuition for school, failed a class, or died due to my awful driving skills. I am, every time, held.
